3 March 2010
Thoughts on Energy

> Negative energy: Doesn’t make much sense to me, as energy just is. However,
> energy in the wrong place, too much, too little, blocked flow, energy that
> explodes out of a triggered complex, that is what I would think of as
> things to get cleaned of.

This appeared in my inbox today, in context of discussing “negative energy.”

Thank you magical inbox.

I have used for years the language of “getting rid of negative energy” while simultaneously sitting with the truth in my core that there is “no such thing as bad energy”- that all energy is useful in some way, somewhere. Shit can become compost with which we grow a garden.

I recently made an intense decision. I few years ago I might have said I made a bad choice, but the reality is I made a decision that allowed me to move forward in my life carrying less hatred at circumstances, less suffering, than I might have otherwise. I was given a gift to go somewhere I may never go again, and in doing so glimpse the beauty of that gift for what it is. I am grateful for what I was given, even if today the choice I made then would not be the decision I would make today.

This does not make the decision I made a bad one. Just not the one I would make today.

The same is true of energy. There is energy that does not serve me, just as there are choices that do not serve me. Today. Today I might want to encourage more focus, another day I might want to encourage more opportunities, others more growth. Today I am not encouraging more variety of opportunities in my life. Really, I’m feeling a tad overwhelmed in the blessings the world has given me, but thank you. Today, this energy we call “variety of opportunities” can go elsewhere, to those who want it. That does not, in ANY way, make variety of opportunities bad, or bad for me, or negative… just not what serves me today, in my choices today. Today I invite in strength, stamina, clear vision, beauty, love, passion, focus, openness, heart, clarity of communication, firmness, comfort, and more.

This weekend I invited in adventure, love, secrecy, bliss, visions, connection, re-feuling, and perspective. I got them, in spades. By letting go of my pre-conceived notions around certain types of bliss, the bliss arrived at my door. By letting go of the energy it takes to hide some of my truths, they came out and were understood in new to me language. By letting go of my fear of abandonment, pain and betrayal, I was able to sit there for those in pain, and to reflect back into my life those qualities that serve me. Today.

This weekend I danced in piss bliss. I moaned at the top of my lungs. I cried in a circle of lovers and they did not stop or flee.

This weekend I held a friends hand. I felt tears on my lips. I saw clarity between breaths. My heart and throat breathed as one.

This weekend I laughed out loud. I kissed drag queens, old friends, and dear allies in my journey of life. I breathed in new hope. I fell in love with myself again, laying on my back after a ritual and realizing my gifts are such a blessing.

In the past I’ve been mad at myself for how hyper analytical I can be. Yesterday, my doctor beamed, saying what praise my psychiatrist had spoken of me. She (the psych) had apparently said I was a complex case, one of the more complex she had ever met, and was pleased I had developed all the systems I have to be the productive, passionate person I was. That she felt my intelligence was one of my greatest assets, and my ability to clearly articulate my challenges in life made me a pleasure to spend time with. Wow. Ok, it also came with a strong request to have me stop seeing my councilor and others unqualified for my case, but still, wow.

So I breathe in, and think, in the example of negative energy. My intelligence, my analysis skills, they are a gift. There can also be too much of a good thing. In a dark room I watch myself fade away.

I see stars, rows of stars that caress across her hips. She lays next to me, then my head in her lap. Somewhere across the sky two beautiful men make love at my feet, lips to lips to toes to hearts shining. I doubt in myself, whether laying in a starry field is the right choice. I should be part of the world, I debate. I should, I should, I…

We get nowhere with shoulds. Shoulds do not stick. I am comfortable here. I will dance with the stars until they are done. I will watch the visions unfold like scrolls from the walls as their moans erupt. I lay and I take it all in. I breathe in beauty. I breathe in hope. I breathe out joy, and soon am back- wrapped in their arms, and on my way out the door after revelations of friendship.

Elves and demons dancing together. I am lit up with memory.

Hiding so much of myself has created layers between me and the world. This does not mean I will pour forth my darkness out of a spout from my lips to flood your heart, listening world. It just means I don’t hide. There is a difference. There is energy and power in secrets, but I can keep my truths and secrets alike without carrying a vault around me. I am vaulted, a high ceiling, and in my echoing chambers the words of your prayers scream to the heavens, a whisper is raised up high. You do not need to know all the truths of my high walls, the meanings of ancient tongues etched there, to appreciate it is a place of God.