Temple Oracle

20 September 2005
Back to civilization? Dark Odyssey pt 1

I am back in the world of computers and clothing, traffic and tedium… but I’m not sure I can call it civilization compared to where I have been.

I have given the folks at Kink in the Caribbean one more day to get me a contract and/or details of expectations- 6 1/2 weeks to the event and they still haven’t done it- this is unacceptable. I am trying to remind myself that the universe does have a habit of speaking to me, and this is another case where I am trying to listen- that maybe if this doesn’t come through… I should be there for someone who may not want me there but I feel moved to be available for.

Last night’s shoot was good, and DungeonDiva and I barely got my Furry One to the airport in time for his flight before winging our way to Kensington for time with Moraxian and Sasha. PVC and tape gags, hzah.

I am moved.

This week, on top of teaching 3 classes, I taught one private tutorial that left me remembering how good it feels to affect people’s lives with my teaching.

This week, Barbara Carrellas proclaimed me the “Breath Queen”, and I found again a slice of why and when I like tantric energy working… as an organic part of my being and extension of my soul rather than forcing it into a body binary mold to run the work of the world. She is an amazing woman, and I look forward to seeing her again (as does Furry)- she is one of the amazing souls. Hooray Street Tantra!

This week, I becme Neti. I was ill (still am), body arguing against my interests, and when we went to hang Inanna in the run-through, I had a bit of a collapse. Neptune, bless his healing soul, helped me brainstorm ideas and get sugars into my system… the result? We rocked Raven’s world by helping his vision come true, we inspired people, Erishkigal was present, and Innana had less of a physical journey and more of the psychic one that was needed.

Lost?

The Descent of Innana is a Sumerian tale of the Goddess of Heaven going down into the Underworld, being stripped of her huberis and all worldlyness, left to hang dead for three days… then return to the world through the aid of her best friend asking a few helpful and not so helpful gods for assistance.. When she comes back to the world she finds that her husband Denuzi has taken her throne, and she send him (and his sister) to the Underworld in her place.

Ritual Theatre is about many things- tale telling, inspiration, oral tradition… but in energetic terms it is often times a way to let the gods dance in our shoes- let my mind take a back seat to the will of the role I am playing. So, though I could barely breathe and was constantly coughing- as I slipped in my white contacts, I slid back. As I painted my face, I slid back. As I shaved my head, I slid back. As I slipped on and folded my skirts and tightened my wrap, I slid back. As I cinched in my corset, I slid back. My body morphed, changed. I growled, I walked less and stalked more. My shoulders hunched up and sprang to life. I shook the earth with my pounding feet. I became Neti.

Neti is the gatekeeper to the underworld, Erishkigal’s right hand. He is the intellectual answer to “what keeps the monsters at bay”. He keeps life and death separated by a veil that can be lifted by will alone. He is passionate, devious, angry, and cold as stone. He shakes the earth with his pounding feet.

Each stroke against Innana was real. Each time we the Annanaki hit her face to the words “Quiet Innana!” it was real. Her bondage was real. Erishkigal felt her pains. Denizi was truly beaten and carried away… We danced in the footsteps of gods… and it took a while for many of us to come back.

Raven Kaldera had wanted to do this ritual for years. Thank you Raven, and to your boy Joshua, for helping us make your vision come true.

I wanted to thank Raven and Joshua on a thousand levels… but the words haven’t come yet. For their transperency. For body honesty. For reminding me of paths. For dancing. For pain. For pushing through pain. For jokes of domming from wheelchairs. For Publishing woes. For living. For wearing skirts. For breathing in. For both being damn fucking woof! For so much more… I’ll find the words eventually.

More soon…

24 September 2004
The Ritual of the Evening Star: A Reflection

This story is my own, from memory of what I can remember. We each remember the world through our own lens on reality. This is mine. Many will tell their own tales, and each is as valid as the last. These are my interpretations, as I recall them from the veil of trance lifting the veil and trying to remember… because people have asked. Because we each need to walk away with new knowledge. This story is my own.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

The Ritual of the Evening Star was described in the Dark Odyssey Program:
We gather to worship the Goddess/es of love and sexuality associated with the planet Venus. As in the Great Rite, we will seek to make our knowledge and conversation with each other a vehicle for knowledge and conversation with Deity. You may choose (and change, as you feel inspired) your own limits on how you will manifest Deity to others and allow others to manifest Deity to you. Whatever physical limits you may choose, all will participate in a sacred and sexual spiritual communion. Please bring a blanket or other ground cover. Nudity is required.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

Wilddragon approached me 2 days before the ritual asking if I might be interested in calling one of the quarters. East. Light bringer. Golden Dawn. Air and Sun. Feathered beasts on wing and soul. I agreed.

I knew I would be challenged- I have a personal issue with being touched by strangers. Even when I go to swing clubs I have historically only played with those I knew before, or those who I’d had a chance to talk with beforehand, get to know. I was challenging myself at Dark Odyssey by working in the Brothel (a story to come soon) and by participating in the Ritual of the Evening Star. The first I approached by taking on the mantle of whore and letting each moment conect only for the moment then let it wash away off my feathers. The ritual I approached by taking myself into a trance, breathing in the essence of the universe and letting me go, checking out, becoming open and letting ego go.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

Directly before the ritual began a woman showed up who was to act as South… Wilddragon had fogot to include her in the afternoon run-through- Wilddragon called North, Major called West. Femcar was to act as our Temple Priestess, our conduit to the divine, our mouthpiece to She who would. We were told to let the spirit move us as we would. We went through the rough walk-through. We disrobed and candles in hand went out to find those waiting for the ritual.

I wore an amber and silver necklace, a wreath of feathers, and a sword tied about my nude hips with a black and gold sash. I carried a yellow candle, and a script. I dislike scripts. In my own magical workings I prefer to be moved as the spirit moves me. I prefer to speak when called to by myself, not forced into set words that are not my own… but I did as requested. I gave. I give.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

As the celebrants came into the temple space, I saw before me what I knew was coming- 3/4 men, 1/4 women… not a large group, maybe 25 people in all. Plus Raven, beutiful Raven, dancing between male and female, tight laced… the only among us to wear clothing. The rest were sky-clad.

Wilddragon, as priest, called to us to answer that each who entered was willing to be changed. That none would take pleasure not freely given. Spoke of the layout of the space- thatthe center mat was to belong to the Temple Priestess who would take all comers. That the four benches around that matt were safe space, for those who longed to be part of the ritual and energy but did not wish to be involved physically. That the mingling and walking spaces were for those who wished to mingle, walk, be moved as the spirit called them. That the matresses and matts in the rest of the room were for those who wished to pair or group off and explore each other as moved.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

We bound each in the circle to four bindings:
Let all within be bound to speak and hear the Truth
Let all within be bound in Perfect Love and Trust
Let all within be bound in the sacred web of life
Let all within be opened to the Mysteries of Love

From East I called that this was a place of men
From West Major called that this was a place of women
From South she called that this was a place of nature
From North he called that the was Sacred Space.

Skin to Skin, we cast the circle. Body to body we moved together around the central matt. Then each quarter in turn called out to invoke the pillars of Dawn, Dusk, Midday and Midnight, the Sword, the Cup, the Tree the Standing Stones.

The circle was cast, we called forth Femcar, our Priestess, our lady in trance, and I began to push myself under. Open myself up. In the center stood a woman who became divine. In the center stood a man who remained a man. I let out the breath that is the word of god should all breathe it out at once, the world in perfect unison. I breathed out and let the world rock me. The world would rock me.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

She came forward and read the Charge of the Goddess intersperced with our own chanting. I let myself in, on, down. Our priestess was led forward, drew in, she was drawn in, and as the priest spoke, she pulled his body into her.

We were pulled in. We all pulled the circle in. Bodies became voices became flesh and it all spun around me. I let hand touch spirit touch heart and as we were moved to speak we spoke. As we were moved to touch we touched. As we were moved to kiss we kissed. As we were moved to let bodies mingle we did so. I let go and let it all ride me. Let my spirit ride me. Let Her spirit ride me. Let go. And felt others give in as well.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

This is the point where I must point out that sexual magic doesn’t really work like this for everyone. Some of us were there to get over our body issues. Some were there for magic. Some were there to be accepted. Some were there out of a hope of getting laid. Humans are greedy. And unfortunately, when we in fact “act as the spirit moves us”, not all spirit agrees with one another. One may be called to plunge into raw animal power. One may be called to sensuality. One may be called to isolation. One may be called to connect with someone who is busy connecting with three other people already, sorry, spin on brother, spin on.

And, unfortunately… we had not been given much guidance ahead of time. We had been told “act as the spirit moves you.” And we did. But over the din of desire, moan to sigh to breath to flesh we head the words of the Priest calling first for us to be moved, then to protect our bodies (supplies provided at each cross-quarter, condoms for the masses) when called, then to not be greedy with the Priestess? Then to pull ourselves out from the places of the rutting beast?

Are we meant to be moved as the spirit moves us?
Or are we meant to be moved as the spirit moves you?

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

The Goddess lay not only with the man in his bed but with the beasts in the field. She is not only lover but protector. She is not one thing, she is many. And if we are asked to be move as she moves us, who has the right to tell us after the fact that we are wrong?

*If* the Priest had not wanted us to delve to those places of rutting beast, had issues with someone spanking the invocation of his beloved diety… perhaps giving us as officants for the circle guidance ahead of time may have been in order. We as a group could have guided the circle. But once the circle is full swing trying to steer an uncontrollable force in a different direction- you may as well shout at the storm to go to your neighbor’s fields, not yours.

Are we meant to be moved as the spirit moves us?
Or are we meant to be moved as the spirit moves you?

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

But I opened myself up to words and let them guide me. I took in each word and used it as my guide. I loosened my connection to the outer divine hoping to move through me and listened to those things around me. And just then I heard…

I see the strength of the Goddess within you

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

My inner strength is not loving. My inner strength is fury. Is blind rage. Is generations of violence and rage bottled in my soul to protect me when I would be harmed, when my family is to be harmed. I would rip off your head and spit down the stump. She within me would dance in your blood.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

I responded that this was not her place to dance.

Again the voice came…

I see the strength of the Goddess within you, let her out

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

She boiled towards the surface and I began to melt away. I tried to hold on, I held on for dear life, I chanted to myself that this is not your place to dance, this ritual is meant to be of the rites of love, not fury. She called back with a roar.

A growl left my throat.

Again my human voice tried in a whisper to say that this is not her place to dance (no, no please, this isn’t okay, this isn’t what is supposed to be happening. I’m supposed to be having sexy fun time. I’m supposed to be getting over my issues with strangers touching me. I’m supposed to be ridden by desire, not fury. no, no please)

Again the voice came…

I see the strength of the Goddess within you, let her out

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

I roared, pushed him away, stomped off, and headed to where I had been told safe space was. Human me held on, tears pouring down as she growled and raged, did not let myself look for the sword I had set aside, did not strike out as She longed to in blind fury to those who would call her out in vain. I held on and prayed.

I sat down, her claws digging ionto the wood beneath me, shook back and forth, held on for dear life, tried to bring her back down, let her go.

I was not given that right.

The Priest came forward, concerned, loving, and asked what was going on. I turned my head from him, I didn’t want to talk. He faced me again, asked what was wrong and She spoke to him, and I cried. She hated him for his lack of fear, his demysticfication of her strength in death. He spoke of his walking that line before, how She musthave words for him, and She felt only rage. I turned away from him. He faced me again. Please go away I tried to whisper, grant me the strength to let her go. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to tear down these walls, but she does. Go away.

I was not given that right.

He wanted Her wisdom. He wanted to keep his reigns as Priest. He wanted to be loving and in doing so stifled me.

Are we meant to be moved as the spirit moves us?
Or are we meant to be moved as the spirit moves you?

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

I screamed leave me alone… he finally did. I shook back and forth, I cried, I let Her claws dig into my flesh rather than his. I held on for dear life and slowly swam up from the depths as the Priest closed the circle. Femcar had let the divine ride her and had been told it was not the way the Goddess should ride her. I had been force-ridden by Her and was not allowed to be safe on the chairs I had been told were safe space. I had been told the seats were safety for those who didn’t want to be physically involved and he touched me on the leg in assurance and in doing so broke the sanctity and safety of that space. She wanted to rip him to pieces for defiling the circle. I almost let Her. I almost let Her and that terrified me.

But I didn’t.

And in that I find hope, because 6 years ago I would have struck him, would have hurt him, would have tried to destroy him, let her ride me… But I didn’t. And in that I find hope and strength.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

With the circle closed I got up to leave. I needed out of that space. I needed Water. I wanted to run into the lake but remmebered the snapping turtles and decided against it. I headed for the pool and the Priest stopped me.

You’re not okay.

Let me go.

You’re not grounded.

(Damn right I’m not, let me go ground myself!!!!) Let me go.

You’re not safe.

Let me go. Please. I can’t be here. Let me go, this is Bridgett speaking, please let me go.

He opened the door and I ran. I flew. Wings of East of Falcon of Hawk I flew down to the pool and rushed in. I walked into the water and let all of my energy out into the waters. My arms rose to the North, East, South, West… and I let it all go.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

I came back, wrapped in fabric, and someone got me a blanket. Someone else helped me dry off. Wilddragon tried to connect with me… and having him tell me he had hoped to be intimate with me and was sad the ritual hadn’t gone as planned wasn’t what I needed to hear. I wanted to go. He said I wasn’t okay. I told him I’d take Galen with me. Galen agreed. He let me go.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

I had hoped to dance in the strip show to let the energy out… but it didn’t work out for a thousand reasons. Furry and Galen took care of me in turns.

Later that night I had chances to talk to Femcar, Phantom, Major… it was needed. I am blessed.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

I am stronger than I once was.
I can be touched and have it be okay if I listen to me and find ways to make the world listen to my needs. If I grab my needs and run with them and not give in.
I can use trance as a positive tool for debauchery and sensuality.
I am interested in this sort of ritual, as long as rules are clearly stated beforehand and not added after the fact.
I love.
I live.
I soar.
I am blessed.

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana

Major was concerned about my inner rage. I am at times, but the fact that I didn’t hurt anyone tells me a lot about how far I’ve come. I feel empowered. All who entered the circle swore we would accept being cnhanged. I have been changed. And though all the trials and tribulations, I feel blessed. It has led to some amazing conversations and connections. It has taught me a lot about me. It has shown me about th etools of my heart and soul. And the Amber blazes brightly, reminding me how challenging work as a sexual healer can be, but how right it is to call to me.

This story is my own. Each will tell their own version of the tale. Truth comes from seeing all sides. Blessed be.

5 August 2004
Puma at the Gate- A Banishing Ritual

Tonight I rediscovered net’ magic.
Ghosts, of the mind or actual, loose and wandering spirits- dispelled or sent away.
Connections severed.
And a Puma to thank as I sat atop the great wall.

An hour of chat with Mars… melted brain.
An hour of chat with Curry on the phone after it was all done- sadness and inspiration.
Time with a Puma that left me empowered, inspired, and ceremonial kitch tossed around. Torn pictures, chants clinging to the air like francinsence. Europe wizzes by, and again a great cat scratches at the gate.

I am comforted. Thank you Puma, for all your help. Thank you Curry for the suggestion. Thank you random folks on IRC who kept me saneish.

Sometimes we cling to things too long. Sometimes, when an oath is over, we need to let it go, lest ghosts attach themselves at keep watch outside our wards.

But letting go of oaths and deeds, promises dead with those who are no more or no more part of our lives- doesn’t mean we forget them. We recount their tales, go back and read old love letter, and know that the truths of the world change.

Tonight I let this pass from my life, and become a memory:
I am the bonds that bind you
I am the hidden place
When you stare into the darkness for answers
Darkness has my face

I let you go. I let you go. I let you go.

23 January 2002
A poem for a fallen God

Rise
will of the gods
will of the goddess
Rise
at my will
my puppet
my creation

Rise
let me flail you
let me use you
Rise
my creation
my puppet

I write my sigils
blood upon your flesh
I fill you
essence of earth
still waters
the fire from my lips
the air to fill you
to let you Rise

Rise
let me flail you
let me use you
Rise
my creation
my puppet

And as I walk away
Fall
Fall
by broken toy
my puppet

22 January 2002
A weekend in the Bay

I walk down the stairwell
green garden
golden wheat
you are
sky god
belataine mate
meet me by the sea
meet me at the sea
and we will walk in together

let me scribe
your sigils in the sand
lemon juice
stings my skin
evoke you
invoke you
I call on you
and we go deeper
deeper
and we will walk in together

Iowa & East

away from the sun
flying from the earth air water fire
fire burning bright
you soar
wings of a bird
high in my metamorphosis atmosphere
my change of pace

my clay is laid out with the rest
in squares
rows
blocks to build on
blocks along side yours
the patchwork quilt of my heart
soul
skin and sighs

from my vantage I am myself
removed
clear
not the mirror of any others
where the ground and sky
blend in a bank of clouds
and my mind
is my own

from here the sun blazes
the river flows
the earth is a patchwork gown
the air keeps me afloat
flying away
flying east
away from the sun
my metamorphosis atmosphere
my change of pace

my feet pound the warm moist ground beneath my feet wet with grass dew and the mother’s tears I touch the sky above oh father mighty father hold me tight her on this plateau let me know the glory of how you and mother met and the children you begot tell me the stories you’ve told my brothers and sisters of long ago the tales of gods and goddesses of heroes and demons tell me the tales of how even you came to be there above us in your cloak of stars and midnight and your robes of clouds and saphire blue tell me of mother beneath me of her caverns and lakes full of dreams of her forests ad those who once lived there long ago in a time before my grandmother’s grandmother who I am sure stood here once and asked the same things of you as I do now.